Dum Dee Dum... I'm Nutty Net and I often go nuts :P I have way more fun than the average human should, and I'm blessed with a beautiful family and so many lovely opportunities :) And this is where I come to settle all those crazy floating thought butterflies in my head :)
Wow, my second blog post in under 24 hours. does this make me a serious blogger? :P i feel like breaking out the printer and the glitter glue and making a shiny certificate. something snazzy, to show the kids :P with like cake all over it, because i've been eating cake for the last five seconds, and my fingers are covered in yummy, tia-maria-flavoured, with excess of vanilla essence, cake. soooooooo good.
Cake and chocolate really do make you feel a lot better ya know, :) like ..... warm showers ( hot showers pref :P though in summer the cold water tap on full is the same effect , darn you australian plumbing ), and sunny days with a bit of cloud, so you can go chill on a piece of grass and nibble on some lunch and just life catch up on its own :)
So anyways, decided to blog this time because of a dream I had, and it was really weird. It's one of those dreams where you wake up crying because you realise how utterly true it's going to be, and that's sad?
Anyways, the dream started out with me sitting in a car and tim's in the car with me. And we're not talking, not saying a word to each other just in our own worlds. then we're driving at like 200 km/h and i'm telling tim, please, slow down, if you love me, you'd slow down. So obviously, he starts speeding up and I'm crying and pleading with him to please slow down and then he looks at me for a second and says, i don't love you, and then the car crashes into the one in front of us but tim turns the wheel just in time so that the car veers to the right, and instead hits a full on impact on my side, and then i see him getting out of his side quickly by unbelting and stuff, and he starts talking to the guy in the car in front who's a 4wd driver and they're talking about insurance and oh, you know, these sort of accidents happen and nothing bad really happened and then the guy in the front car goes round to my side to check the damage there and he sees me just slumped over the wheel and blood is seeping out from my mouth and he starts yelling and saying, HEY there's a girl here ,she's REALLY badly injured, and tim just looks at him and goes, oh, her? nah, don't worry about it, i'll take care of her, and the guy in the car at the front looks suspiciously at tim and then goes, no, sorry, i'm taking her to the hospital, and tim says, meh, suit yourself, i'm not worried, and then he gets into the tow truck and drives away while this guy has put me in his care gently and his wife sits at the back to support my neck and they drive me to the hospital. and then the doctor tells them that i probably died on impact, and so they walk into the hospital room where i'm lying and there are scars and bruises and i'm bleeding into the gauze and they start crying and then they call my mum and dad and sister, and dad flies in from brunei and almost has a heart attack after he hears the news and they're all sitting there, all around my bed, holding my hand and weeping, and saying why did it have to be her? and meanwhile, i'm reliving all the memories i had of my family, like how my dad used to pick me up on his shoulders and carry me around the house. or how we used to go cycling in the park. how mum used to make breathing chicken fry :P how my sister defended me when dad was going to hit me with a hot oil ladle. how my sister spent all her bonus to get me the wii, how my mother cooks everyday and is so committed to my health. and then i started remembering all the times i had with tim, like the britney concert, the sneaky concert, the pink concert. singing along to songs, having him holding me from behind and supporting me so i don't fall over, and holding my place in line and trying desperately to like britney so i can enjoy it too. :) and things like how on our first date he bought me a rose and a teddy bear and we went and saw i now pronounce you chuck and larry, then we went to the foreshore and had our first kiss/notkiss
and then the next day when he came over and we watched movies together. I always think of that day when i'm watching movies with him, just being together, and kissing and hugging and not having to worry about being somewhere else, cuz right here was warm and good enough.
Then i think about how he used to walk me home from the bus stop, and recently from the train station, and how we used to talk about so much. and hiding from my family, and avoiding bus routes, and all the stress of that. I think about how we went to Mandurah for his 22nd b'day and we won prizes like katie the duck who is now my dog's pillow in the winter :P and pulling stupid faces in the train.
I think about how we used to go to the paramount and dance together, and he used to always make sure i was safe and pay for stuff even though he hadn't had much money on him.
I think about how we used to go play cards at wongs and get stuffed to the brim with chinese food.
all those memories just flashed by, and then i see him walking around happily even though i'm dead, he doesn't care at all, like i literally meant nothing to him anymore, and he's got a girl with him, and they're smiling and grinning and someone comes up to him and says, hey sorry about net, man, that's a tragedy, and he just laughs and he says, GOOD RIDDANCE. thank god i didn't stay with her for longer than 2 years. and then i'm sitting at the curtin bus stop watching him laugh with this girl as they get on the bus and he finds a seat then pulls away so she can get in first, and then puts his arm around her and the bus drives off and i'm just staring at them and crying knowing that he doesn't care if i'm dead or alive anymore, that he's so much happier now that he's with someone else. and then it comes back to the hospital room, and i'm lying there, and my mum pulls the plug on me, and she breaks down in tears, just clutching to the bedsheets and screaming, oh god please don't go, please wake up and everyone's trying to pull her away and calm her down, and everybody's crying, except tim.
and then i realised, when i woke up, that this is it, this is what my life is trying to tell me. that tim's gone from my life, that there's no point in wanting him to love me again, or wanting flowers on the odd occasion, or texts or even talking to him. he wants someone else, he wants to be with someone else, and even if i died today or tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference to his life in any way.
And that makes me sad, thinking of how little I've come to mean to him, when he's always meant so much to me. And I guess, that's just how life is, you take and you give. but it was so upsetting to see mum and dad and meg sad too. I hope that if i die, they get to move on, and don't carry the sadness of my death with them. I hope meg gets married the way i wanted to get married, and is happy, and has a ton of kids, and a lovely husband , someone who'll take care of her and protect her and loves her a trillion times more than she loves him.
and i hope mum and dad stay well, and i hope they grow very old together and are happy to have grandkids, and have more money now that they don't have to spend any on me.
and lastly, i hope tim gets what he wants, because I couldn't give it to him. I hope Tim is happy with the concept of me no longer being in his life, that he'll never get to hug or kiss me again, that all those memories of him and me together are torn up now that he doesn't want me anymore. I hope Tim is happy with the concept of watching me walk away and get married to some other guy, and realises that he was so close to being that guy. I hope tim can live with the fact that one day I will die and he wasn't there to hold my hand through it. But realistically, i hope tim is happy. that's really all i've ever wanted, but never been able to convey. i hope that if i pass on, everything will be ok. it'll probably be like i never existed. in fact, if i pass away, i doubt anyone would notice. least of all tim.
Ah, dear, this is a very emo post, but yeah anywas that was my dream :)
moving onto more entertaining things,
I HAVE MASTERED HARRY POTTER. I've cleard 100% of the game, with all the silly discovery beans and all. really anticlimatic. you just sit there and stare at it going, really? that's the ending?
oh and have i told you i've been on a diet and been wii fitting the crap out of myself! i'm aiming for a summer bod for summer end. :) it'll be great!
I still have my scholarship btw for engineering, so it's all good!
and oh, erm, i'm going out this saturday for lunch with han mel and the chem people, and then clubbing in the night. and the spa is being bought early saturday morning and will be delivered soon! and oh, on sunday, we're going for meg's xmas bash at hamilton hill park where we get to meet all her workmates and have a drink and a good time.
I've got a plan. I'm not going to hook up, i think. It's just too much stress being in that situation lol. And a bit stupid. But Tim's going to hook up .... so i have no idea? I don't know if i should, out of revenge, or if i shouldn't because it violates not only my morals, but also because I still love tim, I don't think i'd be able to do it?
Is it really stupid of me to still love tim? it is, isn't it? I should just move on like he has, cuz he clearly doesn't give a shit about me anymore. So I should, like..... delete his number off my phone, and all the pictures, and just be like him , right? ...... but i can't? It's really weird. But I'm not going to let him see me pining for him, i'm not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurts for me to watch him go.
Deal! :)
and oh, bloggiekins, on new years eve, when i'm out clubbing on han's b'day, i solemnly promise not to hook up if tim says he wants me back. otherwise, i will kiss one boy, but that's it. just a kiss for new years .
Right, so, hmm, ah... eh... ooh, errr, hmm...haaa, hoooo, heooooooooorittuyrituiwjrfijweifjsifjsid fhwauhfusicfjwjfeiwjfie gergiejrfiejrfiej igijgritjbvjrtnv ................. OMG YOU FREAK! WHY ARE YOU STILL PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS BLOG POST?! Lmao Anyways, where was I? Ah, oh yes, I've been frantically searching for a job ( with no help from anyone, *coughs* ye know who ye are ) and I finally got a really sweet deal. It's at Living Digital in the City ( Barrack STreet ) mainly selling phones or doing prepaid thingies. Optus and all that. Might be able to score you discounts, *nudge nudge wink wink* so keep tuned. So, anyways, yeah, excited about that. Also, I'm through with my old gang of friends. You know, Marcus, Jay, Steven, Filly, Joanie, the whole lot. They are just way way way too crude for me now. I've realised I've just been surrounding myself with shallow people, and tha's made me shallow, it's made me a person who judges a book by its cover, and it's made me this stone cold hard cruel judgemental bitch/whore/skank who's only goal in life is to destroy other people. And i've had enough of being happy with myself treating people like crap and allowing my friends to treat other people like crap. So this is it. This is the OFFICIAL SEVERANCE OF TIES WITH MY OLD GANG. They know who they are. I'm not going to discuss what happened because I don't think anyone needs to know. The people who need to know what happened know what happened. I'm disgusted with them. I'm disgusted with myself. End of story. We move on, we change, we repair, we get rid of parts that made us unwholesome and we absorb parts that make us better. That said, let me talk about someone who I love talking about, at least, in my head, to me, looking through all the qualities and looking through all the things that he does for me, all the things I do for him, and weighing things out. That someone sometime next week is going to be starting to pack for his trip back home to Brisbane, and I realised there's this deep pit of sadness in my stomach that's scared that somehow, something's going to convince him that Brisbane is home after all, and that though WA may have its attractions, Brisbane is where he wants to stay.
I think I may cry when he leaves, just to know that now, there's no part of him that's physically in WA. There'll be no man into whose arms I will run into when I'm hurting really badly or when I'm cold and I just need a warm hug. When I have to go somewhere far away or go somewhere I haven't been before... he won't be there for me to drag along. When I need to do something till late in the night, he won't be there to stick around and walk home with me. I love how I'll be in the foulest mood and he'll crack the STUPIDEST joke in the history of mankind, and I mean really really random and corny, and somehow, for no reason, that silly smile on his face, that eager puppy-dog excitedness, the willingness to please, it's almost like he has an invisible tail and it's wagging happily, trying to make me happy. All that, makes me smile . Just because. Just thinking about him sets me off feeling all these feelings that I know have to mean love. They can't possibly mean anything else. I'm going to miss him so much. There's a part of me that feels like there's going to be this hole left behind in me, it's scaring me. Because it feels like I don't know how i'll make it without him. Who am I going to have with me when I have to take a train to some wierd place, and I can't remember the directions? And what happens if I want to go to timezone and get candy, but I have no powerzone card or handy dandy money? Then what? I'm scared, I have to confess. I can't really tell him all this, but everytime he kisses me, there's a thought in the back of my head thinking, " Is this the last one? " There's a bit wondering, this hug, is this the last one I'm going to get from him before he goes, my last reassurance that life is ok. I know it's silly, and a little overreactive, but really, I'm going to miss him terribly. And I don't really want him to know because he may get scared by it, at the same time, I want him to know i'm going to be at my wit's end in sadness because he's not there to give me a cuddle or to call me up and just talk and because I'm starting work and everything and he can't be there for me 24/7 and we both have our own lives and i can't expect him to destroy his just so he can be a part of mine and.... Oh god, can you see how insane this is all becoming for me yet? And there's another part of me that wants him to stay in brisbane. His entire family is there. His mom, sisters, his dad is next door in new south wales, his nephews who he loves talking about =) it's so cute. I think he'll make an awesome dad, i really think he would. He just seems to me just nutty enough to not be a boring bookie dad who'll make sure the kids get sun, fun and still get their homework done. And he's just serious enough to make sure things don't get out of hand, and that everything stays in control. I'm jealous of the woman who marries him, because she's getting the ultimate dad package for her kids. ^_^ Anyways. He's got everything going for him in Brisbane. He can easily get into a uni there, and everything that he knows is there. His house, his road rules, his people, everything. All the love that he needs he can get from the beautiful people that I've seen in those pictures I was looking at today on his computer in the morning. He just looks so happy with them. And it worries me that he may not be as happy here away from them. And he's said it often enough that he wishes he could be there for his sister. So here's my dilemma. Should I tell him that he should stay in Brisbane? Should I give him the freedom to leave me for good, leave me alone, lacking his touch, for as long as I can bear till I fly out to brisbane just to see that stupid grin of his when he cracks a lame joke. Oh, gosh, it's hard to type when you cry. But I need to cry. It's been building up inside me. I don't want to lose him. Is it wrong to be selfish, to want something so bad that you're not willing to share? Isn't sharing caring? Iwant him to have his family, but I want him to have me too. And I don't want to make him choose. I really don't Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh Head go explodey haha. Life and drama, really.
Lemme write a poem, that'll help
I want him over here, I want him over there, I keep seeing him around, I see him everywhere
And it's tearing me apart, How badly I want him, And it's breaking my heart, How easily I could lose him.
There's a bit of me that's crying out stop, There's a bit of me crying out let go, If only I could turn back the clock, I'd let myself be the one pleasure he wouldn't have to know.
If only I could tell him how much it'll hurt to see him walk away, And how much it'll hurt to hear him tell me those awful words, That he can't stay, I don't think I'll be able to bear the hurt,
.............. I can't write anymore, I've been tired out by my emoness lol. Brb, drink. xx
A little Poetry, Cuz I'm stone bored and haven't done this in ages ( OOH SHORT TITLE ALERT!)!
I see, you standing there, watching me like I, should be scared, I know, you've been hurt before, and I just want you to know, I never cared. Because you can cry as much as you want, I am stone and with my harshness its you I can taunt. I feel, you know nothing about me, but want to know everything about me, Baby, why can't you see?
I am just a dream, I am not what I seem, I cannot make you love me, I don't want you to love me, It's hurting me, Watching you drowning, If there's anything we could ever be, It's not what you think, it's not L-O-V-E.
I'm sorry, boy, you thought you were a toy And you were, I forgot to tell you. I was just using you, Because that's the only thing I know how to do.
And the sky is turning crimson red, And the fire's burning up this bed, And your curtains are drawn closed, And your eyes, they stare in soft repose, I know your smile, I know your laugh, I know how you keep coming back, I know you love me, but what can I do, I just couldn't make me love you.....
This hand, it holds, the key, to your heart, Take it, unlock, all your pain and sorrow. My shoulder, it's strong, but not strong enough, I can't wait for you to get tough.
I am just a dream, I am not what I seem, I cannot make you love me, I don't want you to love me, It's hurting me, Watching you drowning, If there's anything we could ever be, It's not what you think, it's not L-O-V-E.
You hold my hand for a moment, Say " Just this moment , I want to love you , I want to love you" I hold your head for a moment, Say, " Just for this moment, I want to hate you, I want to hate you."
