Dum Dee Dum... I'm Nutty Net and I often go nuts :P I have way more fun than the average human should, and I'm blessed with a beautiful family and so many lovely opportunities :) And this is where I come to settle all those crazy floating thought butterflies in my head :)
Right, so, hmm, ah... eh... ooh, errr, hmm...haaa, hoooo, heooooooooorittuyrituiwjrfijweifjsifjsid fhwauhfusicfjwjfeiwjfie gergiejrfiejrfiej igijgritjbvjrtnv ................. OMG YOU FREAK! WHY ARE YOU STILL PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS BLOG POST?! Lmao Anyways, where was I? Ah, oh yes, I've been frantically searching for a job ( with no help from anyone, *coughs* ye know who ye are ) and I finally got a really sweet deal. It's at Living Digital in the City ( Barrack STreet ) mainly selling phones or doing prepaid thingies. Optus and all that. Might be able to score you discounts, *nudge nudge wink wink* so keep tuned. So, anyways, yeah, excited about that. Also, I'm through with my old gang of friends. You know, Marcus, Jay, Steven, Filly, Joanie, the whole lot. They are just way way way too crude for me now. I've realised I've just been surrounding myself with shallow people, and tha's made me shallow, it's made me a person who judges a book by its cover, and it's made me this stone cold hard cruel judgemental bitch/whore/skank who's only goal in life is to destroy other people. And i've had enough of being happy with myself treating people like crap and allowing my friends to treat other people like crap. So this is it. This is the OFFICIAL SEVERANCE OF TIES WITH MY OLD GANG. They know who they are. I'm not going to discuss what happened because I don't think anyone needs to know. The people who need to know what happened know what happened. I'm disgusted with them. I'm disgusted with myself. End of story. We move on, we change, we repair, we get rid of parts that made us unwholesome and we absorb parts that make us better. That said, let me talk about someone who I love talking about, at least, in my head, to me, looking through all the qualities and looking through all the things that he does for me, all the things I do for him, and weighing things out. That someone sometime next week is going to be starting to pack for his trip back home to Brisbane, and I realised there's this deep pit of sadness in my stomach that's scared that somehow, something's going to convince him that Brisbane is home after all, and that though WA may have its attractions, Brisbane is where he wants to stay.
I think I may cry when he leaves, just to know that now, there's no part of him that's physically in WA. There'll be no man into whose arms I will run into when I'm hurting really badly or when I'm cold and I just need a warm hug. When I have to go somewhere far away or go somewhere I haven't been before... he won't be there for me to drag along. When I need to do something till late in the night, he won't be there to stick around and walk home with me. I love how I'll be in the foulest mood and he'll crack the STUPIDEST joke in the history of mankind, and I mean really really random and corny, and somehow, for no reason, that silly smile on his face, that eager puppy-dog excitedness, the willingness to please, it's almost like he has an invisible tail and it's wagging happily, trying to make me happy. All that, makes me smile . Just because. Just thinking about him sets me off feeling all these feelings that I know have to mean love. They can't possibly mean anything else. I'm going to miss him so much. There's a part of me that feels like there's going to be this hole left behind in me, it's scaring me. Because it feels like I don't know how i'll make it without him. Who am I going to have with me when I have to take a train to some wierd place, and I can't remember the directions? And what happens if I want to go to timezone and get candy, but I have no powerzone card or handy dandy money? Then what? I'm scared, I have to confess. I can't really tell him all this, but everytime he kisses me, there's a thought in the back of my head thinking, " Is this the last one? " There's a bit wondering, this hug, is this the last one I'm going to get from him before he goes, my last reassurance that life is ok. I know it's silly, and a little overreactive, but really, I'm going to miss him terribly. And I don't really want him to know because he may get scared by it, at the same time, I want him to know i'm going to be at my wit's end in sadness because he's not there to give me a cuddle or to call me up and just talk and because I'm starting work and everything and he can't be there for me 24/7 and we both have our own lives and i can't expect him to destroy his just so he can be a part of mine and.... Oh god, can you see how insane this is all becoming for me yet? And there's another part of me that wants him to stay in brisbane. His entire family is there. His mom, sisters, his dad is next door in new south wales, his nephews who he loves talking about =) it's so cute. I think he'll make an awesome dad, i really think he would. He just seems to me just nutty enough to not be a boring bookie dad who'll make sure the kids get sun, fun and still get their homework done. And he's just serious enough to make sure things don't get out of hand, and that everything stays in control. I'm jealous of the woman who marries him, because she's getting the ultimate dad package for her kids. ^_^ Anyways. He's got everything going for him in Brisbane. He can easily get into a uni there, and everything that he knows is there. His house, his road rules, his people, everything. All the love that he needs he can get from the beautiful people that I've seen in those pictures I was looking at today on his computer in the morning. He just looks so happy with them. And it worries me that he may not be as happy here away from them. And he's said it often enough that he wishes he could be there for his sister. So here's my dilemma. Should I tell him that he should stay in Brisbane? Should I give him the freedom to leave me for good, leave me alone, lacking his touch, for as long as I can bear till I fly out to brisbane just to see that stupid grin of his when he cracks a lame joke. Oh, gosh, it's hard to type when you cry. But I need to cry. It's been building up inside me. I don't want to lose him. Is it wrong to be selfish, to want something so bad that you're not willing to share? Isn't sharing caring? Iwant him to have his family, but I want him to have me too. And I don't want to make him choose. I really don't Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh Head go explodey haha. Life and drama, really.
Lemme write a poem, that'll help
I want him over here, I want him over there, I keep seeing him around, I see him everywhere
And it's tearing me apart, How badly I want him, And it's breaking my heart, How easily I could lose him.
There's a bit of me that's crying out stop, There's a bit of me crying out let go, If only I could turn back the clock, I'd let myself be the one pleasure he wouldn't have to know.
If only I could tell him how much it'll hurt to see him walk away, And how much it'll hurt to hear him tell me those awful words, That he can't stay, I don't think I'll be able to bear the hurt,
.............. I can't write anymore, I've been tired out by my emoness lol. Brb, drink. xx
So, Erm. Going through a phase at the moment. I almost fell off the bus. I had a relatively good day, but I'm tired. Very very tired. Like my body is shutting down. Everything's paining all over. TGIF tomorrow ^_^ Hmm. I feel like picking up the phone and calling Damien and asking him how he is. Because he called me during the day and said he wanted me to call him back but i totally blew him off because i'm way too busy, but now that everything's settling down, I'm ok with talking to him. He's fun, Damien....he's like this calming feeling that washes over when you realise that it's all going to be OK when he's around. Everyone's felt it around him. I think it's his voice, it's always smooth and soft and sedated, like he's in control of everything. It's amazing. Today, I had a weird day. Erm, Ben called me today. While I was at the bus stop waiting to go home. Like it was fate. That I blogged about him just yesterday. And the bus came half an hour late. Like God was giving me time to talk to him. It was odd. I don't know what I said to him, but it feels like I should have said more, or said something else, said, I don't know, I miss you? But the thing is... I don't think I do. Not really. I just WANT to miss him. I want the drama. But, when he said, on the other end, I miss you, I immediately thought, Oh, but I'm so happy without him. Is that just me, or am I becoming cold? I'm sure he loveS me. Now. And pretty sure, forever. And I broke his heart. And I didn't mean to. It was just...we were too far away and too different to be together. I was never going to see him again, not unless he hopped on a plane just to spend the holidays with me, and he WAnTED to. So many times. But I just kept saying No. Don't. It isn't right. Now,... I'm scared that he really will. He told me today, he's scared to tell me he loves me. He's scared I'm going to do what I always do when he does, that i'm going to just say, yeah, well, you need to move on , and then close the phone. And he's right, I do that everytime. I'm heartless. And cold. And cruel. And I'm turning into something I'm not meant to be. I'm not this person , this emotionally disturbed human being who hurts people. I can't be this person. I don't want to hurt people. I hate seeing people being sad. It's wrong. And I don't like wrong.
I know. I'm ranting. I'm having a moment. sigh... I'm just planning to cuddle up in bed today and think, and maybe cry a bit, and maybe just let loose for a bit. Be a bit dumb. Be a bit hurt. Be a bit sad. Be a bit different from the smiley person i usually am. I don't know if it's the hormones talking, or the fatigue talking, but I know I'm not really feeling THAT bad. I think I'm just tired. Someone.... hug me. I need a hug. Just to rest in someone's arms. It figures that I've pushed everyone away and built up walls to such an extent that I'll never have someone to hold me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ben. I miss you. I mean it this time. But I don't love you. Net.
