Dum Dee Dum... I'm Nutty Net and I often go nuts :P I have way more fun than the average human should, and I'm blessed with a beautiful family and so many lovely opportunities :) And this is where I come to settle all those crazy floating thought butterflies in my head :)
Right, so, hmm, ah... eh... ooh, errr, hmm...haaa, hoooo, heooooooooorittuyrituiwjrfijweifjsifjsid fhwauhfusicfjwjfeiwjfie gergiejrfiejrfiej igijgritjbvjrtnv ................. OMG YOU FREAK! WHY ARE YOU STILL PAYING ATTENTION TO THIS BLOG POST?! Lmao Anyways, where was I? Ah, oh yes, I've been frantically searching for a job ( with no help from anyone, *coughs* ye know who ye are ) and I finally got a really sweet deal. It's at Living Digital in the City ( Barrack STreet ) mainly selling phones or doing prepaid thingies. Optus and all that. Might be able to score you discounts, *nudge nudge wink wink* so keep tuned. So, anyways, yeah, excited about that. Also, I'm through with my old gang of friends. You know, Marcus, Jay, Steven, Filly, Joanie, the whole lot. They are just way way way too crude for me now. I've realised I've just been surrounding myself with shallow people, and tha's made me shallow, it's made me a person who judges a book by its cover, and it's made me this stone cold hard cruel judgemental bitch/whore/skank who's only goal in life is to destroy other people. And i've had enough of being happy with myself treating people like crap and allowing my friends to treat other people like crap. So this is it. This is the OFFICIAL SEVERANCE OF TIES WITH MY OLD GANG. They know who they are. I'm not going to discuss what happened because I don't think anyone needs to know. The people who need to know what happened know what happened. I'm disgusted with them. I'm disgusted with myself. End of story. We move on, we change, we repair, we get rid of parts that made us unwholesome and we absorb parts that make us better. That said, let me talk about someone who I love talking about, at least, in my head, to me, looking through all the qualities and looking through all the things that he does for me, all the things I do for him, and weighing things out. That someone sometime next week is going to be starting to pack for his trip back home to Brisbane, and I realised there's this deep pit of sadness in my stomach that's scared that somehow, something's going to convince him that Brisbane is home after all, and that though WA may have its attractions, Brisbane is where he wants to stay.
I think I may cry when he leaves, just to know that now, there's no part of him that's physically in WA. There'll be no man into whose arms I will run into when I'm hurting really badly or when I'm cold and I just need a warm hug. When I have to go somewhere far away or go somewhere I haven't been before... he won't be there for me to drag along. When I need to do something till late in the night, he won't be there to stick around and walk home with me. I love how I'll be in the foulest mood and he'll crack the STUPIDEST joke in the history of mankind, and I mean really really random and corny, and somehow, for no reason, that silly smile on his face, that eager puppy-dog excitedness, the willingness to please, it's almost like he has an invisible tail and it's wagging happily, trying to make me happy. All that, makes me smile . Just because. Just thinking about him sets me off feeling all these feelings that I know have to mean love. They can't possibly mean anything else. I'm going to miss him so much. There's a part of me that feels like there's going to be this hole left behind in me, it's scaring me. Because it feels like I don't know how i'll make it without him. Who am I going to have with me when I have to take a train to some wierd place, and I can't remember the directions? And what happens if I want to go to timezone and get candy, but I have no powerzone card or handy dandy money? Then what? I'm scared, I have to confess. I can't really tell him all this, but everytime he kisses me, there's a thought in the back of my head thinking, " Is this the last one? " There's a bit wondering, this hug, is this the last one I'm going to get from him before he goes, my last reassurance that life is ok. I know it's silly, and a little overreactive, but really, I'm going to miss him terribly. And I don't really want him to know because he may get scared by it, at the same time, I want him to know i'm going to be at my wit's end in sadness because he's not there to give me a cuddle or to call me up and just talk and because I'm starting work and everything and he can't be there for me 24/7 and we both have our own lives and i can't expect him to destroy his just so he can be a part of mine and.... Oh god, can you see how insane this is all becoming for me yet? And there's another part of me that wants him to stay in brisbane. His entire family is there. His mom, sisters, his dad is next door in new south wales, his nephews who he loves talking about =) it's so cute. I think he'll make an awesome dad, i really think he would. He just seems to me just nutty enough to not be a boring bookie dad who'll make sure the kids get sun, fun and still get their homework done. And he's just serious enough to make sure things don't get out of hand, and that everything stays in control. I'm jealous of the woman who marries him, because she's getting the ultimate dad package for her kids. ^_^ Anyways. He's got everything going for him in Brisbane. He can easily get into a uni there, and everything that he knows is there. His house, his road rules, his people, everything. All the love that he needs he can get from the beautiful people that I've seen in those pictures I was looking at today on his computer in the morning. He just looks so happy with them. And it worries me that he may not be as happy here away from them. And he's said it often enough that he wishes he could be there for his sister. So here's my dilemma. Should I tell him that he should stay in Brisbane? Should I give him the freedom to leave me for good, leave me alone, lacking his touch, for as long as I can bear till I fly out to brisbane just to see that stupid grin of his when he cracks a lame joke. Oh, gosh, it's hard to type when you cry. But I need to cry. It's been building up inside me. I don't want to lose him. Is it wrong to be selfish, to want something so bad that you're not willing to share? Isn't sharing caring? Iwant him to have his family, but I want him to have me too. And I don't want to make him choose. I really don't Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh Head go explodey haha. Life and drama, really.
Lemme write a poem, that'll help
I want him over here, I want him over there, I keep seeing him around, I see him everywhere
And it's tearing me apart, How badly I want him, And it's breaking my heart, How easily I could lose him.
There's a bit of me that's crying out stop, There's a bit of me crying out let go, If only I could turn back the clock, I'd let myself be the one pleasure he wouldn't have to know.
If only I could tell him how much it'll hurt to see him walk away, And how much it'll hurt to hear him tell me those awful words, That he can't stay, I don't think I'll be able to bear the hurt,
.............. I can't write anymore, I've been tired out by my emoness lol. Brb, drink. xx
So....Blogging again... So, aside from Emo Josh, River Cruise Ranting.. there's something else. I have, or should i say, had, a friend, called Adam. I mentioned him a couple of posts ago. We've stopped talking. Stopped as in... Stopped even saying hi to each other, and if we see each other, we look away instantly. It's cold. There's nothing. Nothing is said, done. And ... I said sorry to him. Tried to get him to explain what it was i did wrong. He didn't tell me. He just blocked me. So... I give up. It's hard not talking to someone, and I've never been through this before. But it's... It hurts. I'm feeling so emo, today, aren't i? Sigh.. I don't know what to do. I guess i've lost a friend. Oh well. Bye
Ok, so, someone said we should all put up a post about what we want in a guy and then compile, so here's mine : 1. Funny . And I don't want a guy who cracks jokes and expects that to count. I want someone who's sarcastic but not put-down-esque. Someone who's witty, there! 2. Intelligent ( obviously. I don't want to date a do-do. I've dated dodos. They're dodos. No further comment. *hugs Marcus* Kidding! *hugs Shawn* I haven't heard from you in ages, but you were the smartest smarty-pants bf ever!) 3. Caring ( I like a guy who thinks about me occasionally while he's taking a break from thinking about sex. Oh, wait, such a guy does not exist) 4. Cute ( Or goodlooking. Or hot. Whichever. Someone who I can flaunt in front of my friends. Lmao. J/k. Hot people i've dated : Marcus, Peter, Josh, Shawn, Steven, Geoff, Damien, Herbie, Lollipop dude, Brendan ( sorry, late mention !) and erm, Neil. Oh, and Chris. And Eric. And Brad. And Zach ( HOTTTEIIIEEEEIEIEIIEIEIEIE) And of course, last and best, Ben. *sighs* I miss Ben. I wish I hadn't broken up with him. I feel kinda stupid for having totally axed him like that. And he still writes to me, and he still cares about me. Hmm... *thinks* YOO HOO! BEN! Lol. Green eyes, hazel hair, tall, dark, goodlooking, yum. J/k.) 5. Tall ( I know, when you're my height, everyone's tall, go figure. I want someone tall. Tall kids?) 6. Romantic ( I don't mean all Oh, let me buy you this, let's do that, that's a bit obsessive, and frankly, ben was like that. he was all over me, and i don't want that. at the same time, i don't want what Steven and I had where I was too busy to be with him and him too busy to be with me. Like, there was this i love you, but I can't be with you , NOT BECAUSE OF PARENTS (though kinda, yeah) but because, you and I were too popular. I want someone in the middle. Josh is someone in the middle. He gives me my space and I give him his. And we meet halfway. He gets me things and he helps me and stuff. V nice) 7. Helpful ( I mean, pick me up from school. Help with my homework. Oh, wait, I'm smarter than most people ,so, Err...) 8. Nutty about music ( You have to listen to the same music as me or else we'd totally lack conversation topics unless you're that entertaining. ) 9. A cuddler ( I like hugging people, I like holding hands, I like being around someone, a cuddler, someone who'll randomly walk up to me and give me a hug) 10. Someone who asks me how are you doing?. Just once. Just ask me if i'm ok. It means a lot to me that you wanna know how I'm going. 11. A listener. I want someone like this blog, who i can let all my feelings out to without fearing that he's going to go, whoa, this girl is psycho. 12. I want a non-psycho person. 13. He should be nutty, like me. 14. Borderline random. 15. Someone i can talk to. I like talking, if you haven't noticed. But... haha, how much can you talk before people decide to chop your head off. 16. Someone who appreciates that I am me. And I don't want to change me. I'm happy being me. I'm hyper and I never shut up and I love music and I don't like losing and I love studies, and I always want to be the best, and I'm stubborn. Deal with it. 17. Someone to protect me. I mean, someone to fight back when someone picks on me. Someone to say, hey, don't do that, that's pissing her off. Someone who cares if i get hurt and wants to make it right again. 18. Someone I can be all of the above for as well. I believe in give and take.
I don't plan to be the girlfriend who wants everything and gives nothing. If you love me, I'll love you back, I'll love you amazingly. But, I've always been a crappy girlfriend because I'm scared if i show that i care about him, i'll scare him away. That might be why i break up with my boyfriends just when we're getting serious. Dear dear. Someone tell me it's ok to love someone. ^_^
