Dum Dee Dum... I'm Nutty Net and I often go nuts :P I have way more fun than the average human should, and I'm blessed with a beautiful family and so many lovely opportunities :) And this is where I come to settle all those crazy floating thought butterflies in my head :)
Wow, my second blog post in under 24 hours. does this make me a serious blogger? :P i feel like breaking out the printer and the glitter glue and making a shiny certificate. something snazzy, to show the kids :P with like cake all over it, because i've been eating cake for the last five seconds, and my fingers are covered in yummy, tia-maria-flavoured, with excess of vanilla essence, cake. soooooooo good.
Cake and chocolate really do make you feel a lot better ya know, :) like ..... warm showers ( hot showers pref :P though in summer the cold water tap on full is the same effect , darn you australian plumbing ), and sunny days with a bit of cloud, so you can go chill on a piece of grass and nibble on some lunch and just life catch up on its own :)
So anyways, decided to blog this time because of a dream I had, and it was really weird. It's one of those dreams where you wake up crying because you realise how utterly true it's going to be, and that's sad?
Anyways, the dream started out with me sitting in a car and tim's in the car with me. And we're not talking, not saying a word to each other just in our own worlds. then we're driving at like 200 km/h and i'm telling tim, please, slow down, if you love me, you'd slow down. So obviously, he starts speeding up and I'm crying and pleading with him to please slow down and then he looks at me for a second and says, i don't love you, and then the car crashes into the one in front of us but tim turns the wheel just in time so that the car veers to the right, and instead hits a full on impact on my side, and then i see him getting out of his side quickly by unbelting and stuff, and he starts talking to the guy in the car in front who's a 4wd driver and they're talking about insurance and oh, you know, these sort of accidents happen and nothing bad really happened and then the guy in the front car goes round to my side to check the damage there and he sees me just slumped over the wheel and blood is seeping out from my mouth and he starts yelling and saying, HEY there's a girl here ,she's REALLY badly injured, and tim just looks at him and goes, oh, her? nah, don't worry about it, i'll take care of her, and the guy in the car at the front looks suspiciously at tim and then goes, no, sorry, i'm taking her to the hospital, and tim says, meh, suit yourself, i'm not worried, and then he gets into the tow truck and drives away while this guy has put me in his care gently and his wife sits at the back to support my neck and they drive me to the hospital. and then the doctor tells them that i probably died on impact, and so they walk into the hospital room where i'm lying and there are scars and bruises and i'm bleeding into the gauze and they start crying and then they call my mum and dad and sister, and dad flies in from brunei and almost has a heart attack after he hears the news and they're all sitting there, all around my bed, holding my hand and weeping, and saying why did it have to be her? and meanwhile, i'm reliving all the memories i had of my family, like how my dad used to pick me up on his shoulders and carry me around the house. or how we used to go cycling in the park. how mum used to make breathing chicken fry :P how my sister defended me when dad was going to hit me with a hot oil ladle. how my sister spent all her bonus to get me the wii, how my mother cooks everyday and is so committed to my health. and then i started remembering all the times i had with tim, like the britney concert, the sneaky concert, the pink concert. singing along to songs, having him holding me from behind and supporting me so i don't fall over, and holding my place in line and trying desperately to like britney so i can enjoy it too. :) and things like how on our first date he bought me a rose and a teddy bear and we went and saw i now pronounce you chuck and larry, then we went to the foreshore and had our first kiss/notkiss
and then the next day when he came over and we watched movies together. I always think of that day when i'm watching movies with him, just being together, and kissing and hugging and not having to worry about being somewhere else, cuz right here was warm and good enough.
Then i think about how he used to walk me home from the bus stop, and recently from the train station, and how we used to talk about so much. and hiding from my family, and avoiding bus routes, and all the stress of that. I think about how we went to Mandurah for his 22nd b'day and we won prizes like katie the duck who is now my dog's pillow in the winter :P and pulling stupid faces in the train.
I think about how we used to go to the paramount and dance together, and he used to always make sure i was safe and pay for stuff even though he hadn't had much money on him.
I think about how we used to go play cards at wongs and get stuffed to the brim with chinese food.
all those memories just flashed by, and then i see him walking around happily even though i'm dead, he doesn't care at all, like i literally meant nothing to him anymore, and he's got a girl with him, and they're smiling and grinning and someone comes up to him and says, hey sorry about net, man, that's a tragedy, and he just laughs and he says, GOOD RIDDANCE. thank god i didn't stay with her for longer than 2 years. and then i'm sitting at the curtin bus stop watching him laugh with this girl as they get on the bus and he finds a seat then pulls away so she can get in first, and then puts his arm around her and the bus drives off and i'm just staring at them and crying knowing that he doesn't care if i'm dead or alive anymore, that he's so much happier now that he's with someone else. and then it comes back to the hospital room, and i'm lying there, and my mum pulls the plug on me, and she breaks down in tears, just clutching to the bedsheets and screaming, oh god please don't go, please wake up and everyone's trying to pull her away and calm her down, and everybody's crying, except tim.
and then i realised, when i woke up, that this is it, this is what my life is trying to tell me. that tim's gone from my life, that there's no point in wanting him to love me again, or wanting flowers on the odd occasion, or texts or even talking to him. he wants someone else, he wants to be with someone else, and even if i died today or tomorrow, it wouldn't make a difference to his life in any way.
And that makes me sad, thinking of how little I've come to mean to him, when he's always meant so much to me. And I guess, that's just how life is, you take and you give. but it was so upsetting to see mum and dad and meg sad too. I hope that if i die, they get to move on, and don't carry the sadness of my death with them. I hope meg gets married the way i wanted to get married, and is happy, and has a ton of kids, and a lovely husband , someone who'll take care of her and protect her and loves her a trillion times more than she loves him.
and i hope mum and dad stay well, and i hope they grow very old together and are happy to have grandkids, and have more money now that they don't have to spend any on me.
and lastly, i hope tim gets what he wants, because I couldn't give it to him. I hope Tim is happy with the concept of me no longer being in his life, that he'll never get to hug or kiss me again, that all those memories of him and me together are torn up now that he doesn't want me anymore. I hope Tim is happy with the concept of watching me walk away and get married to some other guy, and realises that he was so close to being that guy. I hope tim can live with the fact that one day I will die and he wasn't there to hold my hand through it. But realistically, i hope tim is happy. that's really all i've ever wanted, but never been able to convey. i hope that if i pass on, everything will be ok. it'll probably be like i never existed. in fact, if i pass away, i doubt anyone would notice. least of all tim.
Ah, dear, this is a very emo post, but yeah anywas that was my dream :)
moving onto more entertaining things,
I HAVE MASTERED HARRY POTTER. I've cleard 100% of the game, with all the silly discovery beans and all. really anticlimatic. you just sit there and stare at it going, really? that's the ending?
oh and have i told you i've been on a diet and been wii fitting the crap out of myself! i'm aiming for a summer bod for summer end. :) it'll be great!
I still have my scholarship btw for engineering, so it's all good!
and oh, erm, i'm going out this saturday for lunch with han mel and the chem people, and then clubbing in the night. and the spa is being bought early saturday morning and will be delivered soon! and oh, on sunday, we're going for meg's xmas bash at hamilton hill park where we get to meet all her workmates and have a drink and a good time.
I've got a plan. I'm not going to hook up, i think. It's just too much stress being in that situation lol. And a bit stupid. But Tim's going to hook up .... so i have no idea? I don't know if i should, out of revenge, or if i shouldn't because it violates not only my morals, but also because I still love tim, I don't think i'd be able to do it?
Is it really stupid of me to still love tim? it is, isn't it? I should just move on like he has, cuz he clearly doesn't give a shit about me anymore. So I should, like..... delete his number off my phone, and all the pictures, and just be like him , right? ...... but i can't? It's really weird. But I'm not going to let him see me pining for him, i'm not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much it hurts for me to watch him go.
Deal! :)
and oh, bloggiekins, on new years eve, when i'm out clubbing on han's b'day, i solemnly promise not to hook up if tim says he wants me back. otherwise, i will kiss one boy, but that's it. just a kiss for new years .
