Dum Dee Dum... I'm Nutty Net and I often go nuts :P I have way more fun than the average human should, and I'm blessed with a beautiful family and so many lovely opportunities :) And this is where I come to settle all those crazy floating thought butterflies in my head :)
So, Erm. Going through a phase at the moment. I almost fell off the bus. I had a relatively good day, but I'm tired. Very very tired. Like my body is shutting down. Everything's paining all over. TGIF tomorrow ^_^ Hmm. I feel like picking up the phone and calling Damien and asking him how he is. Because he called me during the day and said he wanted me to call him back but i totally blew him off because i'm way too busy, but now that everything's settling down, I'm ok with talking to him. He's fun, Damien....he's like this calming feeling that washes over when you realise that it's all going to be OK when he's around. Everyone's felt it around him. I think it's his voice, it's always smooth and soft and sedated, like he's in control of everything. It's amazing. Today, I had a weird day. Erm, Ben called me today. While I was at the bus stop waiting to go home. Like it was fate. That I blogged about him just yesterday. And the bus came half an hour late. Like God was giving me time to talk to him. It was odd. I don't know what I said to him, but it feels like I should have said more, or said something else, said, I don't know, I miss you? But the thing is... I don't think I do. Not really. I just WANT to miss him. I want the drama. But, when he said, on the other end, I miss you, I immediately thought, Oh, but I'm so happy without him. Is that just me, or am I becoming cold? I'm sure he loveS me. Now. And pretty sure, forever. And I broke his heart. And I didn't mean to. It was just...we were too far away and too different to be together. I was never going to see him again, not unless he hopped on a plane just to spend the holidays with me, and he WAnTED to. So many times. But I just kept saying No. Don't. It isn't right. Now,... I'm scared that he really will. He told me today, he's scared to tell me he loves me. He's scared I'm going to do what I always do when he does, that i'm going to just say, yeah, well, you need to move on , and then close the phone. And he's right, I do that everytime. I'm heartless. And cold. And cruel. And I'm turning into something I'm not meant to be. I'm not this person , this emotionally disturbed human being who hurts people. I can't be this person. I don't want to hurt people. I hate seeing people being sad. It's wrong. And I don't like wrong.
I know. I'm ranting. I'm having a moment. sigh... I'm just planning to cuddle up in bed today and think, and maybe cry a bit, and maybe just let loose for a bit. Be a bit dumb. Be a bit hurt. Be a bit sad. Be a bit different from the smiley person i usually am. I don't know if it's the hormones talking, or the fatigue talking, but I know I'm not really feeling THAT bad. I think I'm just tired. Someone.... hug me. I need a hug. Just to rest in someone's arms. It figures that I've pushed everyone away and built up walls to such an extent that I'll never have someone to hold me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ben. I miss you. I mean it this time. But I don't love you. Net.
