Dum Dee Dum... I'm Nutty Net and I often go nuts :P I have way more fun than the average human should, and I'm blessed with a beautiful family and so many lovely opportunities :) And this is where I come to settle all those crazy floating thought butterflies in my head :)
Helllllllllllllllooooooooooo people ^_^ Right, well, what to say, what to say. Well, so far it's been, what 3 exams? Elacs, STAT and Chem . Most of you have probably a) finished your exams ( my TEE peepul ) or b) had the same ones ( my canningian besties) And today, that's friday, I decided to spend the entire day with the lovely human being I happen to be dating at the moment. I don't know why , but I find myself able to spend unimaginable amounts of time on the phone with him, texting him, or on msn, or in real life, and it's just... It's WEIRD Am I going to be the gf who's all there then not? Like, am I going to be the flavour of the month and he can't get enough of me then suddenly he's had his fill and he moves on? Meh. One shall have to observe the tides and see how they flow. Speaking of tides .... haha TIDE OF ICONS These are cute iconlies ^_^
Erm, Let's see,
I was looking at that one and reading it through, and I was thinking, oh, gosh, well, he fits most of it. See if your boyfriend does too ^_^
oh yes i've been relistening to some songs that would be categorised as break up songs, because well, frankly, you never know you like or love someone until you imagine yourself without them, and in case I ever get mad at Tim, I always listen to a break up song and then I realise just how bad it would feel if those songs started making a lot more sense. So, if you ever get mad with the person you love, just listen to a break up song, think of how your life would be if they left you or you left them, think about whether what you're mad with them about is worth losing the one thing you can count on, and then decide, love or .... ^_^
Anyways, you know i LOVE THE FRAY . Their album is just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo amazing. Beautiful beautiful love songs. Realised how much I LOVE THE LYRICS . Like these, lookie
All At Once - The Fray
There are certain people You just keep coming back to She is right in front of you You begin to wonder could you find a better one Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find Where no questions cross your mind But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her Maybe you started to compare to someone not there Maybe you want it, maybe you need it Maybe it's all you're running from Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing Sometimes We'd never know what's wrong without the pain Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same Maybe you want her, maybe you need her Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there Maybe you want it, maybe you need it Maybe it's all you're running from Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her, maybe you need her Maybe you had her, maybe you lost her to another To another
Heaven Forbid lyrics Twenty years, it's breaking you down Now that you understand there's no one around Take a breath, just take a seat You're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, and you don't know why Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
It's on your face, is it on your mind Would you care to build a house of your own How much longer, how long can you wait It's like you wanted to go and give yourself away
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you) It feels good (Is that reason enough for you) It feels good (Is that reason enough for you) It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright Out of this one I don't know how to get you out of this one I don't know how to get you out of this one I don't know how to get you out of this one I don't know how to get you out of this one Look After You lyrics
If I don't say this now I will surely break As I'm leaving the one I want to take Forgive the urgency but hurry up and wait My heart has started to separate
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Be my baby Oh, oh, oh I'll look after you
There now, steady love, so few come and don't go Will you won't you, be the one I always know When I'm losing my control, the city spins around You're the only one who knows, you slow it down
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Be my baby Oh, oh, oh I'll look after you
If ever there was a doubt My love she leans into me This most assuredly counts She says most assuredly
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Be my baby I'll look after you
It's always have and never hold You've begun to feel like home What's mine is yours to leave or take What's mine is yours to make your own Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Be my baby Oh, oh, oh ------------------------- Beautiful beautiful beautiful ^_^ Right, now...erm... how about a little story then? Let's see . I've been in a very writey mood, and some of you probably remember how in 8th grade i used to write stories and stuff, instead of poetry. And then 9th i became the poet hahahahahah Love you guys for supporting my artistic crap. Erm, let's see..story... RIGHT I've got one... There may be resemblances to certain real life characters. Think of it as a tribute, rather than a plagiarism of your personality LA LA
Loving A Lie - Me
Chapter 1
His Point Of View :
" Did you hear that? ", I mumbled as I walked down the steps leading to the ground floor. " Hear what? " " That. That .... brr noise " " What brr noise?" " That brr noise!" " Ya know, for a Law graduate, you're a real dumbass ", she rolled her eyes at me and gave me a playful shove from behind. " Oh, yeah? Well, for a Med student, you're a real dumbass for dating a real dumbass. Uh huh! TAKE THAT! Ooh, would you like some ice for that burn? " I smirked and poked my tongue out at her. She stopped in her step and glared up at me, and I immediately regretted talking back at her. " Oh, you oaf. " That's all I heard her say as she pushed past me to get to the door at the end of the hallway. Crap, crap, crap, crap, I've done it again, me and my big mouth. I have no idea why but for some strange reason I seem to have this insane need to screw things up by being oversmart. Like word vomit. I just open my mouth. And poof. Word. Vomit. Like an uncontrollable spew of absolute gibberish of which I mean absolutely little and it's just because my brain thinks a lot slower than my mouth works. " Gaah, I'm sorry, please, just come back, you know I'm dumb, you know I screw up heaps, but you know I - " and then I stopped. See, most people would stop because they have something caught in their throat, the proverbial frog, as an illustration. Some people would stop because they just don't have anything left to say. I stopped because I knew that I couldn't say what I wanted to say the most. And that. Simply Was. That I love her. There really was no question about it. There was about 0.05% of me that didn't love her and that was because it wasn't even alive. I loved everything about her. I loved the way her hair sort of shimmered in the sun and bounced about when she was walking. I loved running my hand through it. You know the expression, smooth as silk? She proves it. And then of course there's her smile. Oh, God. That gorgeous set of teeth. I know, sounds a bit like a dental hygienist visit, but I swear, she had the straightest, neatest, brightest, set of teeth possible on a human being. And she had sweet soft lips that she put this insanely delicious lip gloss over. And her body. Well, that's an entirely different subject. She kept on complaining about how she wasn't in the best shape and that she needed to lose a ton of weight and that she simply had no room left in her for any more fat ( though she'd proceed to gulp down a packet of crisps promptly after that statement ). Yet, somehow, I didn't see what she was on about. She had a beautiful figure; not skin and bones, not fat as an elephant ( like she liked to think ), but just right. Curves in all the right places. Not that I would have cared. Her personality would have made up for every inch of physical imperfection. And I don't lie. I'm going to roll out a huge bunch of cliches here, and I know you may potentially throw things at me for being such a sop, but frankly, this is how it works. She walks into a room, and I swear, it's like a light's walked in. I can't think of anything else but her when she's standing next to me and looking up at me with her deep green eyes. I can see the world in those eyes. I can see my future with her. I've had a lot of time to think of a future with the two of us together, actually, recently. Now that she's coming off her parents' divorce nicely, and I've just got back from rehab, and I'm all drug- and alcohol-free, I think we're both in a really good place. A really really good place. I've been imagining us together, just sort of, starting off sitting on a bench in the middle of this empty park, and we're looking out over the city, and we're not kissing , we're just touching, just holding hands, just touching each other in the softest but most intimate way possible on a park bench in the middle of the evening, watching the sunset. And then, I imagine getting down on one foot, and just looking into those emerald eyes. I tell her everything I've wanted to say so badly for so long. The lines keep changing in my head, I keep refining the ideas, the thoughts, the compliments, I slow down my speech, I edit commas and punctuation marks, spelling and pronunciation, getting every word right in my head for when it finally happens. So far, the only thing I've perfected is " I love you more than you will ever know. Will you marry me, Virginia Marsel? " Yes, I know, not the most eloquent line, but you have to understand, I'm pretty dissatisfied with myself. I just have so much to say, so much to tell her, so much I want her to know, so much I can't fit into my head, and it explodes in my mind, in my dreams, like a lovepalooza. And it's at that point that my dreams tend to come to crossroads. Earlier, I used to have only dreams of her saying no, and walking away and just living me there, and the wind picks up slightly and I freeze over time in that position, incapable of moving, incapable of running away from the situation, incapable of letting the situation run away from me, just clinging to the box with the ring in it, hoping to God someone comes along and stabs me in the heart, so I can die, and not remain still in time, enduring those moments , those hours, those years, knowing that the one I love doesn't love me back. But, now, it's a different story. Now, I've been having these vivid dreams of her bursting into tears and jumping into my arms and crying out a muffled Yes, and hugging me and holding me and not letting me go, and shrieking with delight, and looking at the ring, then looking at me and me wiping the tears, and giving her the longest and most passionate and most meaningful kiss and the moon sort of delicately settles over us, and it seems like everything's just right in the world. Of course, there's the things that come after that, like, the wedding, and the laughter in trying to plan it, like the different coloured plates, the different invitiations, what our names will be after we get married, and how good they sound together. The marriage bands, the marriage vows. I think I'd like to have my own marriage vows. Strange for a guy, I know, but, hey, I'm just like that. Call me overemotional or overthinking or GAY for all I care. I just..... I think about these things. I didn't think about them, though, till she came along and just....she just changed me. I can't explain it, but it's like things became a bit more bearable. A bit more.... normal. And I loved knowing that even if I did get into trouble, she'd be there by my side to guide me. Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes, the wedding. Ah, she's walking down the aisle in this bit of my dream, she's got that soft smile on her face, that she gets when she's happy but she's trying not to burst out into laughing fits of joy and bounce around. Ever the proper girl. I take her hand, we read our vows, we exchange rings. We're married. It's beautiful, the whole thing, really. Til death do us part, he says, in sickness and in health. Everything, I'll be there for her for EVERYTHING. There is so little left inside me that isn't hers, that it's impossible that if something happens to her it won't not affect me. Now, we've got kids.... two, three, four. Four is amazing. All that fun, a nice big family, going down to the beach, going shopping, tackling the boys , playing soccer with them, the family dog joining in too. The boys grow up and become spiffy engineers and lawyers, and the girls become brainy beautiful doctors, and everyone's happy. And she's spent the better part of her married life at home, taking care of them, the cute little housewife, giving me the peck on the lips before I head out to the office, being there to cuddle when I'm tired from work and need to relax. Oh, don't worry, I'm not disillusioned. I know marriage is tough and it's hard work and it's not all glitter and gold. We fight, and we get cross and once we threw things at each other, but that was an accident. But, it's all worth it. It's our way of communicating. We argue. It's the only way we know how. I say something stupid, she reacts, but we eventually calm down and we realise that it's wasted being angry, when you love someone this much.
Oh, now the kids are gone. And we're alone. And we grow old together. And we sit in our rocking chairs on the patio and the kids come to visit with their kids! Oh, wonderful! Oh, and now .... we die in each others' arms. Just sleeping, lying there, looking at each other's sleeping faces. And my dream ends and I wake up. And it's beautiful. And I fall in love with her about 800 times in one dream. And I jump out of bed and reach for my phone and she's already up and she's waiting for my call on the other end, and she's cooking breakfast and she invites me over and she's in those skimpy little shorts that I love and she's all bubbly and perky and such a morning person. And she looks so cute and housewifely and everything, and I replay the dream in my head, just putting her with a few more wrinkles, a bit more fat, and a few more gray hairs. Beautiful.
I'm sorry, did I just go into an entire thing about how we were going to get married? I lost track of the story. Thinking about her just sets me off, I apologise greatly. Now, where was I? Ah, right, I'd messed up again .......so there I was apologising and trying not to say I love you.
Her Point Of View : I think I almost cried. He just stopped mid sentence. Like it hurt him to tell me how he felt. Like being around me was torture in itself, to confess that his heart wanted me and his head hated me, it was strangling him inside I bet. I remember the first time he said I love you. I remember bursting out into laughter, because I knew it was just one big lie. Like he cared. He didn't care at all. Like all those moments I start talking to him and midsentence he decides to start talking about his car. I seriously feel like slapping him. And all those insults. He just randomly says mean things, and there's a bit of me that knows he's joking, but there's a bigger bit going, " But , What If He Meant It?" Plus, all the times he just pisses me off by not defending me when his friends who I also happen to be friends with make fun of me. Like, I'll be standing there, and one of his " best friends " says , " Haha, you're such a dork . " or something along those lines. Nothing really serious, I'm sure he'd step in there, but I wanted him to defend me even for the little things. If he loved me, he'd do that wouldn't he? Or all the times that I wait for a call from him but he doesn't call, he doesn't email, he doesn't do anything. He just....waits for me to say something. Why?! Does this mean I want to talk to him but he doesn't want to talk to me? Because if he did, the book says he'd write first. But, nope, nothing. And when I pointed it out a couple of weeks ago, he was like, oh, but I don't want to swamp you with me, and oh, I don't want you to get bored of me or anything. How can I possibly?! I love him, goddamnit. I love everything he does. The way his hair sort of sits in a messed up ruffled pile on his head, and how sensitive he is about it, but how much I love its messiness. It just makes him who he is. And I love running my hand through his hair. It's so much fun to play with. Like having my own dog at my disposal. And such an adorable dog too. I love his smile and how it spreads to his eyes so easily. Like, he'll just start randomly smiling about the dumbest things, like..... chinese food, and he'll grin, from ear to ear, and I can't help grinning too. It's like an infectious happiness, that spreads to me. I can't help but smile and laugh and I love how amazingly crazy he gets and how he does the most randomest things, like climb trees and jump over steps. Just an absolute nutter. Oh, did I mention he has these sharp bluey-hazel eyes. He likes to say they're hazel, but I've been looking into them often enough to know that they're bluey more than hazely. But, he won't admit he's wrong , which is alright, I'll let him win this one. That's what people in love do. They make compromises, and sacrifices. Oh, he has this expression, it's just the cutest, I can't quite describe it, it's one of those, " You Had To Be There To See It " moments. And he has this really loud way of acting, like an absolute can of worms that everytime you open them you don't know what you're getting. He's just full of these amazing, hilarious, insane, lovely surprises, and I'll never quite get tired of him, I should think. Oh, and he has a pretty good body, I have to be frank. I never quite understand why he gets hung up about parts of it; he's hot to me, and I think that should be good enough for him. He keeps comparing himself to one of my ex's , and I try desperately to explain that his body is the one I crave, not someone else's. Not Arnold Schwarznegger, not Danny Devito. Just. Him. I love how when he texts me he calls me a princess, it's so cute, and so affectionate, and I've never been called princess before and I've always wanted to, and it fits me so beautifully. He just knows me so well. But, that might be the problem. Maybe he knows me a little too well. Maybe he knows me like the back of his hand, but how often do you look at the back of your hand with affection, like, " Oh, how amazing is the back of my hand?!!" . Exactly. It doesn't happen. I'm going to be that thing that helps him along and gives him some sort of use, but he'll just be staring at me going, yeahhhhhh...........nah.... Not that interesting. And, he occasionally makes references to these dreams he's been having with me in them. What, HACK AND SLASHES?! OH and, he keeps dropping hints about me and him being together for a while. But , if the way I see it is right, that's not how things are going to go. He'll ride out this phase and he'll start feeling for another girl. Probably some random chick he'll meet at a party, or maybe someone he met from rehab. I mean, why would he want to stay with me? I'm so..... gurgh. There's no better way to describe me. I know I'm attractive and all that, but.... enough to fall in love with? I think not! And what about two years or twenty years down the line? Growing old with me, he said once? I think not! Growing old together would take the space of 1 millisecond, and we're automatically older. Is that what he meant, because, haha, funny, but I wish just for one second he'd tell me upfront. Does he or doesn't he want me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me? Because living these doubts and dreams of a white church wedding and family and dogs, it's all fine for him, but ,......... but............I'm in limbo, here, and I don't know what to do. Do I hate him inexorably for never speaking his mind and leaving me hanging or hold on knowing that someday he might? Sometimes.....just.....sometimes...............Oh, dear, he's coming back to talk, now what?
End of chapter 1 ^_^ IT's a bit bloggy, yes , I know, and it's not really a story, but I like setting the foundations first for this one. It's semi-autobiographical if you may. Right, I'm off to bed. Tomorrow, a continuation, some icons, and a GAY rights THINGY! BECAUSE TIM IS PISSING ME OFF WITH HIS HOMOPHOBIA AHHAHAHA ^_^ Love ya all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Netty
Helllllllllllllllooooooooooo people ^_^
